and jump, honey!" I remember those words my mama would say to me, as she treaded the deep water just below the diving board. "I'll catch you."
So today, I jumped, way out into the deep water. Only mama's not here, but I'm not alone. I told my boss today that I intend to resign my position. I have too many other things calling my name. I've worked 8 years in politics/government at this one organization. Before that I spent many years in higher education. I'm not one for big changes, especially where it affects my security. Some might call it a paycheck.
Funny how life changes, and begins to mold you into a different person. "Life happens." I think I saw that somewhere, maybe a bumper sticker or something. But my roles are changing, as I take on more care for my aging father, wanting to be more available for my sister, and just wanting to do things around my home, and for my family, and children, that I haven't had the chance to do before. Why suddenly do I feel that I need to fulfill a missed role of domestic goddess, or stay at home mom, or something like that? Its like a long lost desire, that was pushed way way down inside, and piled upon with stuff like career girl, money maker, independent woman, modern mom. Now, suddenly it's breaking through all the "stuff." And why now? When three fourths of my children are grown and out of the house, and my baby has become a teenager?
I don't have the answer. All I know is that now is the time. And part of me is giddy with excitement over this new season in my life. And the other part is scared as heck of the unknown. My friend says "Girl, you are giving up that salary? You are in the prime of your earning years." But what will that salary cost me? My soul? My time? My freedom? My last chance to grasp on to....what is it? Peace, and home, and stillness?
I'm glad I'm not out here in the deep all alone. I'm thankful that Jesus, through his Holy Spirit, makes himself known to me, and guides me and reassures me. "I am your provider." I feel like I am embarking on an unknown adventure with Him. And he has tons to show me, and to teach me. Lord, teach me to trust wholly in you. Open me up to your teachings and the lessons you will lay out for me. Let me be worthy of this blessing.